I had an epiphany about the way I communicate today while I was running (or rather WALKING after my lungs, legs, and mind said, "Uh-uh...you're not running up that hill!").  Although my shoes say "New Balance," my communication today was decidedly IMBALANCED!!  As in my message didn't seem to match my actions...because I waited too late to deliver it!  Let me explain...

First let me say that despite having posted the very first "Imbalanced Blog" post about running a marathon...I am not really a runner.  Funny, I know.  But I kind of hate it.  It hurts my knees.  I'm slow.  I got yelled at a lot in the army for not doing it fast enough or good enough.  I have ISSUES when it comes to going out for a simple jog!

BUT...I know it is great exercise and as fitness programs go, it's one of the cheapest, easiest, and most effective!  So I'm willing to put my issues aside and go running once in awhile.

Today was one of those "once in a while" days.  

The husband of a very good friend of mine is staying in my guest room while he attends a conference here in DC.  He's gotten into running since marrying my friend (a fellow Army girl!) and is kicking major ass!  He's run a bunch of races, including a half marathon, and lost 35 pounds.  In short, he's become the poster child for what is possible when you become a runner.

And so, being motivated by the changes in his life after he started running (and not thinking it would be such a bad idea to lose a few pounds myself), I agreed to go for a morning jog with him today (but I made him promise not to mock me for being too slow and that we'd only do a few miles...no half marathons on my first day back out on the road!).

So off we went for what was supposed to be about a 20-25 minute run.  Or at least that's what I was mentally prepared for.

We hit the road and ran down to a nice trail.  By the time we hit it, my watch said we'd been going about 10 minutes and I was ready to turn around and head back.  But we ventured further seeing if we could figure out how to loop around instead of running back the way we came.  No luck.  Now we were at 17 minutes.  

My mind was racing MUCH faster than my body at this point as I thought, "We have a HUGE hill to run UP on our way back.  I'm tired NOW...how will I make it up that hill?!"

Truth be told even when I run long distances, I take lots of walk breaks.  Run for 15 minutes, walk for 2.  Run another 10, walk for 3.  Run 8 more minutes, walk for 2.  And so on, and so on.  Not to mention.  I don't do hills.  Yuck!

But I didn't want to slow down my friend...so I just kept running.

At some point my mind/body stopped cooperating with me and I got cramps.  BAD ones.  The nausea inducing, not sure if I wanted to puke or poop kind of cramps.  And they hurt.  A LOT!

I knew I could make it back to the bottom of the hill but at that point, I would have to insist on walking.  And so I did.

But my friend kept saying, "No...you're gonna run up this hill.  Come on."

What?!  No!!  I told you...I want to walk now.  I NEED to walk now.

I argued.  He motivated.  

I felt bad (in more ways than one).  He continued to motivate.  

I said, "No really...go on without me."  He tried to motivate/inspire me some more.  

I insisted he meet me at the top.  He continued to motivate.

Finally I just stopped running and began walking.  He kept running and was out of ear shot/motivation range eventually.

As I watched him continue up the hill, which was certainly the right decision for him, I settled into the fact that whether my cramps were brought on by physically challenging myself or mentally convincing myself I couldn't go any farther...they were REAL.  I really did need to stop.  I didn't need to justify that to anyone...but I felt like I had to. 

I started thinking about the fact that even though I KNEW it was time for me to stop...my friend wasn't buying it.  And I had to ask myself, "What did I do to make him communicate with me that way."

I thought back on some other situations where I had hit a breaking point and realized that when it comes to communicating things that are hard for me to say (like, "I can't keep up with you!") I am the 'strong silent type.'   

I'd been in pain for 10 minutes prior to hitting the hill...but I didn't want to be a "whiner" so I held it in.  I knew there was a problem, but to avoid looking weak or pathetic...I kept it to myself.  

Then, when I HAD to stop, I told my friend. But this was news to him.  On the outside...I appeared to be fine.  So he thought he could just motivate me through it.  But that just wasn't going to happen.

And isn't that how life is?  When your car has something wrong with it for months and then dies...you are able to accept it.  But if it just up and dies with no warning, it's kind of hard to believe you didn't see it coming...and you wonder whether it's really dead or if the mechanic is lying to you!  There were no signs...no warnings.  How could it just be dead?!

Maybe we do ourselves a disservice by trying to look balanced until the last possible minute when we are communicating with people.  Maybe if we just let them know all along what was going on, we wouldn't end up with resistance or arguments when we delivered unexpected news...because it wouldn't be unexpected if we'd been honest all along, would it?!

Moving forward I am going to be more open with my imbalance.  Say it with me, "Um...this isn't working for me.  Can we talk about what might work better?"

 For me this means speaking up sooner when my body's about to collapse on a run.  And saying, "Yes...I take walk breaks.  Deal with it!"  

• What might it mean for you?  
• Where do you cover up imbalance in your life?
• How could you share that imbalance by communicating better with people and avoiding nasty surprises?

YOU might be the one who gets surprised now...surprised how open people are to hearing what's going on when you speak your truth.  

And maybe if you ask for walk breaks (or whatever the equivalent is in YOUR situation)...you'll be able to charge up that hill at full speed!

Leslie Stein, 21 July 2010